This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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