i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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