You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
