Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
