I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize