im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
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