drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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