I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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