She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Please don't give away my fajitas
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize