Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
