I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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