My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
