I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
