you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
