Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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