I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
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