you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize