I just gift wrapped bread.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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