I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
