I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
