I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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