The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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