im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
