dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
