I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
