I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
