so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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