She is in my trunk
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
