I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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