I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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