i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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