if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
