You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Randomize
