a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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