Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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