So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
