You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
