Do you still have your period?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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