Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
