I wish I could teleport
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
