We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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