sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
