Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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