I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
