Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
