my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
