Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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