I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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