It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
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