haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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