if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
