There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
