Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
COCAINE IS GR8
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
