I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
