I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
