My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
