On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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