Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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