There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
