bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
