Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
