Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
