i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
