break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
