I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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