Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
