apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
